We have embryos

Its been a while since I posted last. I have been busy with summer and I just had to go back to work since my husband is self employed and the economy hasn't much improved.

Of course, a month into my job the nurse from my RE's office called and they have 16 embies for me. Well, they are going to split them up between us and another couple. So I really have 9 precious little embryos. My mind is whirling around about all of this. I have hoped and prayed for this for so long and now its here. I am conflicted whether to tell my employers. I think they would understand, but really I just started. I am nervous to tell them. We are keeping this super quiet until everything is finalized with the attorney. Good thing I can write about it here. : )

Why?

Why does God love my babies so much that He prefers them to be with Him than me?? He takes them before I have seen them or even get a chance to experience them. This makes 10 babies that wait for me in heaven.

Why after all this time do I get pregnant? When I am no longer charting my temperature and tracking my periods. I had come to terms with the fact I would not be able to conceive my own child. My periods had gone back to being an inconvenience rather than marking the end of my hopes and dreams of a child being postponed one more month. My periods no longer came with heartache. All of that has changed. Do I start charting again? Or can I go back to accepting the way things are?

Why did I get this miracle only to miscarry on Mother's Day? It seems like a cruel joke. But as my alarm went off this morning a song that was playing said "would you believe that the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." I so hope that is true!!

Why can't I just be happy with my one child and ignore the longing I have inside me for more babies? Then at least, I could move away from my IF journey and put it all behind me.

Why did I switch health care plans so I have a Dr. that doesn't understand the scope of what I have been through? Oh and the extra special cherry on top of it all is that my new OB/GYN said to me "at least you got a one week break from your endo pain." Really heartache compared to my physical discomfort. Thanks for that (what kind of a silver lining is that?). I have only had this stupid disease eating away at my fertility for 20 years. I think I have learned to coop with the physical pain. One week seems silly to mention. I will be promptly getting a new OB/GYN on Monday! Thank God for Dr. K's office! They are so wonderful and compassionate. The good news is I didn't lose my place in line for embryos. That is more like a silver lining!

In His Timing!

I am in complete and utter shock as I write this. I am pregnant!! I can't even believe that I am typing this. I had less than a 1% chance at conceiving on my own and was told I would be in menopause by the time I was 36 (that is my current age shhh.. don't tell anyone). Here is the story...

I have given up charting and keeping track of my cycles as my way of letting go of TTC. I have no idea when my last period started. I had to do some digging and recall events that happened around then. But I think I figured it out. So yesterday while reading an email from a friend of mine about some of her pg symptoms. I started to say hey I am having those symptoms too. I had completely written it off as AF was coming. Although, she has never come. Hopefully she will stay far away from me for 9 months. So I ripped my bathroom apart to find a HPT. I had one and tested positive right away. So I ran to Walmart and bought more. They tested positive too. I was floored, not sure what to make of it. Because with my luck it is more likely a tumor than a pregnancy.

I called my Dr. right away as there are meds I need to be on and my thyroid needs testing, etc. I don't want to do anything to screw this up. I tested positive at the DR. office too by urine. I did a beta this afternoon, results will be in tomorrow am. My second beta is Sat. I am praying the numbers will be doubling. The Dr. wasn't optimistic about this pregnancy lasting. I have a high risk for tubal pg and miscarry because of my bad eggs. She was a little baffled on how an egg got to my tubes in the first place considering my ovaries aren't where they should be. Anyway, I put a call into Dr. K to see if he has any recommendations for me as far as meds I should be taking, etc. I missed them and their office is closed. I will try again tomorrow.

I am nervous to tell my family. I don't want them to be disappointed to if this doesn't work out. Thank you so much God, for letting me have a BFP. I know this is truly your miracle!! Thank you for opening my womb! Please let this baby stick around for 9 months and be healthy.

Moving Forward

I had my phone consult with Dr. K today. He finally got all my test results from the NEDC and get this. I don't have to do any testing or surgery. I had to have him repeat that because I was so shocked. Yep, that's right no testing. He did say that I have had so many unnecessary testing done and he could set me up some tests but it would be just a waste of my money!! I love this guy. Such a straight shooter. I am ready to go! I just need some embryos now. I am #4 on the list. I have moved up two spots since March 5th. Wahoo!!

Making Progress

I received an email this weekend from a nurse at Dr. K's office. He wanted to set up a time to talk on the phone with me. I have an appt for Thursday at 11. I am hoping I am still a great candidate for embryo adoption. Not sure what this is all about. Maybe a list of tests to do? I am praying I will have to do some tests but nothing big and no surgery! 3 days to go! Its funny, the unknown and the waiting in this entire process can drive a person crazy!

Rejection

After three long weeks of waiting for the donor family we met with to meet with the other recipient family the decision was made. They chose the other family. I told myself during this wait that my hopes weren't up. I would be fine either way. And I know I will be. But for today I am having a pity party. I feel so tired of rejection. My own body has rejected me, birth mom after birth mom and now donor family after donor family. I know with every rejection we receive another families dreams are coming true. I think of the couple that was just picked over us and how happy they must be. Full of hope, wonder and excitment to start their family. I know our match is out there somewhere. God please give me patience for this waiting game until your perfect timing is revealed for us.

Roller coaster weekend

We have had a crazy weekend on the IF rollercoaster. I contacted a donor family on MW last Thursday. She emailed me back promptly and asked if we could meet them Saturday. I about fell out of my chair. I was so excited and hopeful. We live about one hour away from the family. So we met them and the kids. So cute by the way. We left with questions for her RE. Monday she emailed with the answer to all her question about the embryos and such and she told us that another couple is flying up to meet them the second week in April. She told us she would make a decision shortly after. I know she wants to move on this, and I appreciate her cutting to the chase. But now the wait. I am second guessing our conversations. I know its in God's hands. I think we are at the deficiet because we have a child already and the other couple doesn't. On the other hand, we live so close. This is almost as bad as a 2WW. I am trying to not obsess, but its so hard to not let it occupy my mind every minute of the day!

Validated!!!

Well I have been having a hard time getting the NEDC to release my medical records to Dr. K's office. I love my new nurse. She has taken the ball out of my court and has decided to call the NEDC everyday until she receives the records. I think she thought it would be easier for her since she was calling for Dr. K. She told me the other day that they were the rudest office she has ever dealt with before. This made me smile, I told her she validated all my feelings about them and my experience there. I know I had a terrible experience, but I have always wondered if it was because I was so hopped up on Estrace and super hormonal. But no, my feels are validated. Its the little things in life that make us happy!!

Meanwhile, I still don't have my medical records. I mean come on people. I only was there once and only have 4 tests done. How hard is this really??? Geez! Dr. K is waiting to see these results so he can recommend the best course of action for me. I can't move forward until they cooperate!

We had our appointment

Monday March 1st we had our phone consultation with Dr. K. He was 45 mins late in calling us so unfortunately my DH didn't get to be included in the phone call. Which I was bummed because he is very skeptical of RE's after all we have been through.

I found Dr. K very reassuring and sympathetic to our case. He said I was an excellent candidate for embryo adoption. Finally, something in the IF world I could be a great candidate for!! He said it would only be about 2-3 months until we are match. I about fell out of my chair. I thought surely it would take longer. He also said that one of my previous RE's noted in my file that I have tubal disease. I am not sure what that is. But I explained to him that I don't have any confidence in my previous RE and that she never ran any tests to confirm that statement. He agreed with me upon looking into my file a little closer. He wants to see my test results from the NEDC. Unfortunately they are dragging their feet on sending me the release form to get the info to Dr. K. I should have it by tomorrow. Before he will decide if I should have my tubes removed. But great news! I don't have to remove my ovary!! I am thrilled about that and I am hoping I don't need to have surgery at all. Wouldn't that be nice. Also, Dr. K told me that he wouldn't run unnecessary tests that would cause me any discomfort. I love this guy!!

We Have an Appointment!!

After having trouble making a connection on MW I have turned my focus to clinics that may have embryos to donate. We have an appt with Dr. K on March 1st. I was am excited. I filled out a 16 page medical questionnaire. I miraculously found my medical records which I had buried after my failed rounds of IVF and the fiasco with NEDC. I just need to make copies and send them off and I am all ready for my appointment. I was told by one of the nurses we were #6 on the waiting list, assuming no one gets on the list before my appt. #6 isn't so bad. I gives me lots of time to get my body prepared for a baby. I just hope I don't have to have surgery before a transfer. I have a few endo cysts on my ovary. They go away when I start PIO so we will see what he has to say!

Something Came Up....

Disappointment strikes again. I remember how this feels from the first time we were pursuing embryo adoption after our rounds of failed IVF. Why is every setback so upsetting? I thought this time would be easier. I thought the desire and longing to have a baby would be lessened by the fact that we have a son already. I told myself that we have one, the rest of our kids would just be icing on the cake. I thought wrong. We had been talking with a donor couple on MW. They just told us that "something came up" and that they wouldn't be donating at this time. Quickly I scan all the emails to see if it was something I said. Who knows? I know its better that this happened now rather than further into the process. For that I am grateful.

My game plan now is to call around and find a clinic that donates embryos. This way I can get on a waiting list, if the clinic has one. While still waiting to make a connection on MW. Now if I could just remember where I buried all my medical records after our last fiasco with NEDC. This is my number one priority for tomorrow.

What to do...

I am starting to feel a little discouraged. Last time we posted our ad on MW we had people emailing us left, right and sideways. This time, I can't get one person to return my email. Is it because we have a child already or there are simply just too many great families on MW waiting for their miracle and so little donors? It will happen, I know it. Then I will be writing and wondering will it take?? I guess in the IF journey there are so many ups and downs. This all has me thinking I should rethink my strategy. I just need to stay focused and get my body ready to grow some embryos.

Back to Square One!!

DH & I have decided to pursue embryo adoption. We have prayed and prayed about this. We feel we are being lead down this path. Not to mention it is so much cheaper than traditional adoption. So we posted our ad on MW. Here we are waiting to find our perfect match. Now from past experience I can say I am a bit scared. Just because you feel like God is leading you down a path doesn't mean you will get the desired result. That was a tough pill to swallow. For now all we can do is trust!

I wish I would have started to blog back in the beginning of my IF journey. It would be a great record of how far we have come and an account of all the blessings along the way. I will never forget how God orchestrated J coming into our lives. What a miracle!!! Is it too much to hope for another? I have come to terms with the fact I will not bear my own genetic children. They wait for me in heaven. I would however, still love to experience pregnancy. My belly getting big, feeling the baby move and kick, and breastfeeding. You miss all of these experiences with traditional adoption.

J is now 19 months old. DH and I decided we were going to give ourselves a break and not have any baby talks until J was one. Here we are, back to baby talks. It was nice not to plot or plan how to get a baby. It made me realize I will survive this journey. Maybe even one day I will not be thinking of adoption, embryos, or hoping this month will be the month God decides to open my womb.