Sunday, May 9, 2010


Why does God love my babies so much that He prefers them to be with Him than me?? He takes them before I have seen them or even get a chance to experience them. This makes 10 babies that wait for me in heaven.

Why after all this time do I get pregnant? When I am no longer charting my temperature and tracking my periods. I had come to terms with the fact I would not be able to conceive my own child. My periods had gone back to being an inconvenience rather than marking the end of my hopes and dreams of a child being postponed one more month. My periods no longer came with heartache. All of that has changed. Do I start charting again? Or can I go back to accepting the way things are?

Why did I get this miracle only to miscarry on Mother's Day? It seems like a cruel joke. But as my alarm went off this morning a song that was playing said "would you believe that the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." I so hope that is true!!

Why can't I just be happy with my one child and ignore the longing I have inside me for more babies? Then at least, I could move away from my IF journey and put it all behind me.

Why did I switch health care plans so I have a Dr. that doesn't understand the scope of what I have been through? Oh and the extra special cherry on top of it all is that my new OB/GYN said to me "at least you got a one week break from your endo pain." Really heartache compared to my physical discomfort. Thanks for that (what kind of a silver lining is that?). I have only had this stupid disease eating away at my fertility for 20 years. I think I have learned to coop with the physical pain. One week seems silly to mention. I will be promptly getting a new OB/GYN on Monday! Thank God for Dr. K's office! They are so wonderful and compassionate. The good news is I didn't lose my place in line for embryos. That is more like a silver lining!

1 comment:

  1. I am so, so very sorry that you lost your baby!!! I'm sending prayers your way!!!