I Get Knocked Down, But I am Up Again!!

This seems to be my theme this week.... this past week I have gone through lots of ups and downs as DH & I coop with the news of my BFN. I was so sure it was going to be positive. But God has other plans. I keep thinking back to those first days, what did I do? Did I laugh too hard? Was I not enough of a couch potato? Was I too stressed? But bottom line is I need to leave the past in the past and pick up and move on.

I had my phone appt with Dr. K today. He is so fabulous. He was so apologetic and genuinely concerned with how I am doing and handling the news this past week. It is so nice to have a RE that cares about you from a physical sense and emotionally as well. I know I am on the right path with the right RE.

He did give me good news. He said we should try again. I am moving forward with my next transfer date of 5-13. Yes, Friday the 13th. But that is not where my faith lies. He said the fact that my last FET didn't work was a fluke. I had a text book cycle and transfer. The only thing he will change for next cycle is to add Heparin. This is fabulous considering we will be leaving for Hawaii the Friday after my first Beta (which I am praying to be BFP). This means a one piece for me. Don't want to scare everyone with my overly bruised stomach. But I will do whatever I can to improve my odds. If it fails again then I need to have another lovely HSG and possibly by tubes removed. Again, he was so concerned about how I would feel about loosing my tubes. Really at this point I could care less. Not like my eggs are any good anyway. Just ask my RE who did my outside monitoring...

The worst part about this not working is having to go back to my local RE. I HATE her and I don't hate anyone. She is so awful, I was full of anxiety when I went to see her with her snickering with her nurse about Dr. K wasting my money on 3 ultrasounds. Saying he is so stupid for not using Lupron. And then making fun of my "geriatric" and "pathetic" ovaries. Just for the record my friends and I blame her for my cycle not working. I know its not true, but it makes me smile. : ) I told Dr. K about how this was the worst part of this not working and he came up with a remedy for me. I was prepared to drive to San Francisco to get my monitoring done and he said I could go to my local OB/Gyn. Well that changes this considerably. He said the monitoring part isn't hard and anyone could just about do it. I feel better already.

After my phone call with my fabulous RE I spoke with my nurse. She will be forwarding me all my lab slips and forms I need to find a new person for outside monitoring. I am hoping this might save me a little money too.

Also on a positive note, I start my BCP's tomorrow as AF arrived late last night. I forget how awful AF is after a BFN. My whole body hurts. My heating pad is my new best friend. But a neccessary means to an end.

Thank you to everyone who prayed with us through this cycle. We really felt God's grace covering our hearts, minds and emotions this past week. One thing my RE did recommend was for me to read "The Secret", yeah, I think I will pass. I will keep my mind focused on things on above. : )

The Results are In.....

It's a BFN! I surprisingly took it better than I thought. I was at peace while on the phone with nurse and actually carried on a conversation for few minutes before bursting into tears. Apparently, I had been pregnant because my hormones were off the chart. Both the nurse and Dr. K were shocked it came out negative. Because my hormones we so high I can start again as soon as AF comes along. But because my hormones are so high I am looking at a week and half to start.

DH and I are so sad and we were so full of hope that this pregnancy would stick. But God had other plans. We now have 12 babies in heaven that we get to meet one day. We feel knocked down, but we will pull ourselves up again. We are in a different position this time around than our previous cycles. We have adopted a child, before we were childless. And this time I have more precious little embryos waiting for a chance at life, before both times I only created enough embryos to barely do a fresh cycle. It's nice to have options and not be back at square one.

My appt with Dr. K is on Monday. My nurse said he some ideas on how to make the next one take. I can't wait to hear what he has to say...

Update & Trying not to freak

So here is the update on what has been happening.... I had my transfer on 3/4. They unthawed two 5AAA and they both survived, so those two were implanted. My RE said to me "I just know you are having twins!" I said, "It can really go either way." He said, "Let's just say its a feeling I have." Bedrest and being a couch potato was easy since we went to Disneyland the day before to make sure our legs were good tired out.

Since then I have been having tons of symptoms. I have cramps, strecthing & pulling daily, I am super tired and going to bed 3 hours earlier than normal. And this morning Holy Road Map all over my chest. Could all of these symptoms be from the meds? Or pg? I have taken three hpts over the last couple of days and all neg. Today, I am 8dpt5dt. Shouldn't it come back positive by now? I am freaking out. The only saving grace I have is that every night I have dreams of holding a positive test in my hand. So each morning I get up and POAS excited to see if my dream comes true. So far no!! My first beta is on Monday. I am so nervous this didn't work.

I had my hormone levels checked on 5dpt5dt and they came back extremely high. My nurse said the progestrone level they like to see was 50 and I am at 300. Estrogen is supposed to be 150 mine is 1250. She was chipper giving me this news, a tone I haven't heard from her before. Am I reading more into this than I should?

Please God, let these babies stick.

Why?

Why does God love my babies so much that He prefers them to be with Him than me?? He takes them before I have seen them or even get a chance to experience them. This makes 10 babies that wait for me in heaven.

Why after all this time do I get pregnant? When I am no longer charting my temperature and tracking my periods. I had come to terms with the fact I would not be able to conceive my own child. My periods had gone back to being an inconvenience rather than marking the end of my hopes and dreams of a child being postponed one more month. My periods no longer came with heartache. All of that has changed. Do I start charting again? Or can I go back to accepting the way things are?

Why did I get this miracle only to miscarry on Mother's Day? It seems like a cruel joke. But as my alarm went off this morning a song that was playing said "would you believe that the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." I so hope that is true!!

Why can't I just be happy with my one child and ignore the longing I have inside me for more babies? Then at least, I could move away from my IF journey and put it all behind me.

Why did I switch health care plans so I have a Dr. that doesn't understand the scope of what I have been through? Oh and the extra special cherry on top of it all is that my new OB/GYN said to me "at least you got a one week break from your endo pain." Really heartache compared to my physical discomfort. Thanks for that (what kind of a silver lining is that?). I have only had this stupid disease eating away at my fertility for 20 years. I think I have learned to coop with the physical pain. One week seems silly to mention. I will be promptly getting a new OB/GYN on Monday! Thank God for Dr. K's office! They are so wonderful and compassionate. The good news is I didn't lose my place in line for embryos. That is more like a silver lining!

Rejection

After three long weeks of waiting for the donor family we met with to meet with the other recipient family the decision was made. They chose the other family. I told myself during this wait that my hopes weren't up. I would be fine either way. And I know I will be. But for today I am having a pity party. I feel so tired of rejection. My own body has rejected me, birth mom after birth mom and now donor family after donor family. I know with every rejection we receive another families dreams are coming true. I think of the couple that was just picked over us and how happy they must be. Full of hope, wonder and excitment to start their family. I know our match is out there somewhere. God please give me patience for this waiting game until your perfect timing is revealed for us.