Why?

Why does God love my babies so much that He prefers them to be with Him than me?? He takes them before I have seen them or even get a chance to experience them. This makes 10 babies that wait for me in heaven.

Why after all this time do I get pregnant? When I am no longer charting my temperature and tracking my periods. I had come to terms with the fact I would not be able to conceive my own child. My periods had gone back to being an inconvenience rather than marking the end of my hopes and dreams of a child being postponed one more month. My periods no longer came with heartache. All of that has changed. Do I start charting again? Or can I go back to accepting the way things are?

Why did I get this miracle only to miscarry on Mother's Day? It seems like a cruel joke. But as my alarm went off this morning a song that was playing said "would you believe that the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." I so hope that is true!!

Why can't I just be happy with my one child and ignore the longing I have inside me for more babies? Then at least, I could move away from my IF journey and put it all behind me.

Why did I switch health care plans so I have a Dr. that doesn't understand the scope of what I have been through? Oh and the extra special cherry on top of it all is that my new OB/GYN said to me "at least you got a one week break from your endo pain." Really heartache compared to my physical discomfort. Thanks for that (what kind of a silver lining is that?). I have only had this stupid disease eating away at my fertility for 20 years. I think I have learned to coop with the physical pain. One week seems silly to mention. I will be promptly getting a new OB/GYN on Monday! Thank God for Dr. K's office! They are so wonderful and compassionate. The good news is I didn't lose my place in line for embryos. That is more like a silver lining!

In His Timing!

I am in complete and utter shock as I write this. I am pregnant!! I can't even believe that I am typing this. I had less than a 1% chance at conceiving on my own and was told I would be in menopause by the time I was 36 (that is my current age shhh.. don't tell anyone). Here is the story...

I have given up charting and keeping track of my cycles as my way of letting go of TTC. I have no idea when my last period started. I had to do some digging and recall events that happened around then. But I think I figured it out. So yesterday while reading an email from a friend of mine about some of her pg symptoms. I started to say hey I am having those symptoms too. I had completely written it off as AF was coming. Although, she has never come. Hopefully she will stay far away from me for 9 months. So I ripped my bathroom apart to find a HPT. I had one and tested positive right away. So I ran to Walmart and bought more. They tested positive too. I was floored, not sure what to make of it. Because with my luck it is more likely a tumor than a pregnancy.

I called my Dr. right away as there are meds I need to be on and my thyroid needs testing, etc. I don't want to do anything to screw this up. I tested positive at the DR. office too by urine. I did a beta this afternoon, results will be in tomorrow am. My second beta is Sat. I am praying the numbers will be doubling. The Dr. wasn't optimistic about this pregnancy lasting. I have a high risk for tubal pg and miscarry because of my bad eggs. She was a little baffled on how an egg got to my tubes in the first place considering my ovaries aren't where they should be. Anyway, I put a call into Dr. K to see if he has any recommendations for me as far as meds I should be taking, etc. I missed them and their office is closed. I will try again tomorrow.

I am nervous to tell my family. I don't want them to be disappointed to if this doesn't work out. Thank you so much God, for letting me have a BFP. I know this is truly your miracle!! Thank you for opening my womb! Please let this baby stick around for 9 months and be healthy.